But no matter, I don’t believe many people visit this joint anyways, (if the number of followers on the right serves as indicator, at least I sincerely hope it does) I don’t have much to offer…

AND THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM; I’M A WORTHLESS, USELESS PIECE OF-

okay no, not really. I kid. Hardy har har.

I’ve not been writing much because some things just can’t be aptly put into words. Sometimes I wish I could bottle up the essence of my soul, duplicate it and pass it to the people who matter to me. I’ve been feeling very voabularically claustrophobic. Writing was the one thing I turned to, all my life. But I stopped writing poetry after I formally learnt about it. I burn every emotionally charged prose written on paper because I feel that I’d cringe if I were to look back on it. There’s something about education that stunts growth. Instead of growing taller, my tree is just swelling up at it’s sides. There is depth, but I’m keeping it from soaring. On purpose. Because I don’t want it to be cut down by other sharp, critical minds like mine.

And that ranks me alongside the superficial breeds of female dog species.

I hate on some writers for churning out total and utter gibberish (here’s looking at you, dear overrated shiny vampire) and yet I’ve got no balls ovaries to write something of my own. I say that I’ve lost the will to string words together, but it is my very ability to do that that keeps my soul afloat. I need words. And yet I need silence, non-expression– limbo. And this brings me back to how

I AM A SUPERFICIAL, CONTRADICTORY, CONVOLUTED PIECE OF… COMPOST. Fertilising the seeds of others and stinking up my own security and this has got nothing to do with the topic of writing but OH WELL the subconscious mind needs to be heard.

Sometimes I long for the reassurance I give people.

That’s all.

-Antonio, The Merchant of Venice

Literature liberates the soul. It puts into words the feelings that have been locked in the heart, longing for a means of expression. The moment when you feel so akin to a character, or a text, and you just feel like hugging the dead poet for normalising your eccentric feelings- I live for that. Yearn for it.

]]> http://asnatureintended.wordpress.com/2011/10/09/719/feed/ 0 kc http://asnatureintended.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/music-for-the-mutilated-soul/ http://asnatureintended.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/music-for-the-mutilated-soul/#comments Sun, 19 Jun 2011 07:13:55 +0000 Cassandra http://asnatureintended.wordpress.com/?p=695 Continue reading →]]> How do you cope with negative emotions?

Some read in solitude, some lash out at inanimate objects, others skillfully craft their baggage into beautiful poetry or prose, then either keep it in a stash, or burn it (in my case). Either way there has to be a lease of some sort, liberating the burdened soul.

And lately music has given me that. It’s not a recent phenomenon, I’ve always subconsciously turned to music when I’m restless or upset, or even in my contentment. Ever since, well, I was conscious of my being able to hear things. I grew up listening to the radio, having my mum hum to the songs and subconsciously following suit. Elton John, Michael Jackson, the Spice Girls, Sheryl Crow and many other artists have been in my life since I was a little girl. Not many people know of my innate appreciation and attachment to songs because I don’t play any musical instrument (besides the recorder in primary school, but we’ll just disregard that for now..), nor do I have a choir-esque voice. But it is there. I seek solace in songs. And their lyrics. Listening to the symphony of words sung with emotional depth can be incredibly cathartic. That’s when epiphany’s come. It’s when your emotions break free and finds release. That’s when you feel braver, you feel this innate readiness to move on from your current situation. Inspiration can come from a tune, a line- either way, it comes to you. It moves you.

They say your true subconscious self comes out when you’re in that drunken stupor, or maybe having that slight ‘high’. Some people giggle uncontrollably, some slur, some get aggressive, some get lecherous, some spew vulgarities, but I…hum.

Music can change the world, I’m sure of it. We’re just not consciously aware of it. Music helped to save Haiti and Japan from ignorant inhabitants of this earth who couldn’t care less about natural disasters affecting their counterparts. It helped insecure teenagers come to the realisation that different is not a disadvantage, and that everyone is special in their own way. It taught children the foundation of literacy. It marginalises our struggle for materialistic growth, by bringing us closer through a simple beat. It is an essential part of any festive occasion. And hell, it even helps plants to grow.

This is what music means to me.  It is my world. So thank you Music, I’d be so hollow and emotionless without you.

Life has a funny way of messing you up, then piecing you back together, perfectly. It’s like this necessarily jolt to get you on the right path, or at least what’s right in your heart.

It certainly feels that way to me, now.

“I have a lot more patience for others than I have for myself, and I’m much better at bringing out the best in others than in myself. That’s just the kind of person I am. I’m the scratchy stuff on the side of the matchbox. Better to be a first-class matchbox than a second-class match. “- Reiko

“Sometimes, when I’m talking to him, I feel as if I’m going around and around in circles. The same process that takes him higher and higher leaves me going around in circles. It makes me feel so empty! ” – Toru Watanabe

(Both quoted from Haruki Murakami’s Norwegian Wood)

Sometimes I wish we could just communicate solely through emotions, not words. It may ironic considering the fact that I’m such a Lit nut, but in all honesty I feel the world would be a much better place if  we were able to read emotions instead of listen to words. Emotion is the purest form of expression. It comes from the heart, whereas words come from the head.

I wish my heart stayed on my sleeve. One look and people knew what I feel. Maybe that’s what telepathy’s all about. Even we don’t think in words, at least not all the time for me. There are blank spaces of emotion in my head, something that takes time to be manipulated and generated into sentences worth articulating. Listening to music gives way for this emotional thinking. This blog post is also crafted from my current emotions, what that its right now I have no one word to describe  it.

We cannot feign innate emotions, but we can definitely lie about them. I do it, you do it, the whole bloody world does it. It gets tiresome. Especially when your feelings are so complicated even you don’t understand them. And it’s just so mentally exhausting to put across the felling precisely in word, we just leave it to silence. And then again silence can mean a whirlwind of things and then we’re back to square one.

What I want to know, is when you feel an intensity of emotions for someone, will they pick up on it? And at the same time, is it possible for the other person to reciprocate with equal intensity? And that these 2 individuals move on not knowing, but feeling the connection?  Just like that. Until one fine day it’s articulated and in a way, concretised.

I believe in ‘love at first sight’, cheesy as it may sound. But not based on physical appearances, based on the emotional connection you feel. Even friendships are built on emotional compatibility.

I quoted the second quote because it was relevant, but I quoted the first one because I.. felt it.